


Jenny’s Pa

by havershhm



Category: Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, alma is not a nice person, d-slur, ennis is a good dad, ennis is a sad old gay, i needed this fic to be written, jenny is a lesbian, not tagged underage because it is in no way explicit, q-slur, rated teen for non-overt mentions of teens making out, so i wrote it myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 15:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21120875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havershhm/pseuds/havershhm
Summary: Jenny loves her Pa, but she’s never been close to him the way Junior is. However, when Ma discovers something that leads to her turning Jenny out, there’s only one place left to turn.





	Jenny’s Pa

**Author's Note:**

> let’s face it, Jenny is definitely a lesbian.
> 
> i wrote this over the course of a couple of weeks, adding bits and pieces whenever inspiration struck, so it might be a little awkward in places, but i hope it is enjoyed!
> 
> i don’t own Brokeback Mountain, neither the short story nor the movie, but i do love it with all my heart.
> 
> warning for homophobic language and a brief scene where two teens making out is obliquely implied.

Jenny Del Mar never quite knew what to make of her pa. In her memory of her girlhood years, he was tall and imposing, given to bouts of ferocious anger, though he never laid a hand on either of his daughters. After the divorce, he was quieter, tougher around the edges but polite to a fault.

Junior told her tales of the kind, soft man their pa had once been. ‘Course, neither of them could really remember, but the older girl had clearer memories of when their pa’s smiles came easy. That had ended before Jenny’s fourth birthday.

Ever since that fateful Thanksgiving dinner, the one where ma and pa had returned in spirit to the later years of their marriage when they couldn’t keep from screamin’ at each other, pa never even set foot on the doorstep of their home. He took them out sometimes, her and Junior, but he never seemed to know what to say. He and Junior had an understanding, it seemed to Jenny, as two people who spoke little and said a lot with it, but Jenny wasn’t like that. She chattered up a storm, outpacing her family by miles in terms of words, and she woulda thought it’d drive her daddy away, ‘cept it often seemed that his smiles came a little easier when she weren’t waiting for him to contribute to the conversation. Easier, but a mite sadder, too.

Jenny knew her daddy loved her, knew it like the sky was blue and the plains were wide, but it wasn’t the same as it was with Junior. She often found herself envying their connection, ‘cause Lord knows she didn’t have that with any adult in her life. Ma was her ma, but she didn’t understand the music Jenny liked, and she didn’t like the friends Jenny kept. And Monroe was nice, but Jenny never had much interest in the man. Felt like the only personality he had was “decent” and “not my pa.”

Ennis Del Mar, that was her pa. Rough and tumble, soft-spoken, full of anger and love.

-/-

At Junior’s wedding, Jenny sat in the front row, Ma by her side with Monroe. After Pa finished walking Jenny down the aisle, he joined them. He’d dressed up best he could and even left his hat off for the occasion, showing off his thinning curls. His ruddy face showed more expression than she’d seen on it in years, and when she could pull her gaze away from Junior’s radiant happiness, all she could see were the tears gathering in her pa’s eyes. She never saw a man look so happy and sad at once.

When she went up to sing “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” (Ma had wanted something more traditional, but Junior had been on her side in this), she watched Junior’s face as she danced with Kurt, near crying with happiness and a smile blazing across her face. Kurt looked lovestruck, like he didn’t know how he could be so lucky. In the privacy of her own mind, Jenny agreed. She didn’t know what drew her sister to Kurt, didn’t see what made him so special, but if he made her sister look like that, she supposed he could stay.

When she finished, her sister led the applause, running forward to hug her. “That was beautiful, Jenny,” Junior whispered in her ear.

“Only the best for you, Junior,” Jenny whispered back, holding her sister tight before releasing her to go back to her husband.

As the festivities got underway, Jenny found herself floundering, unsure of who to talk to. Kurt’s relatives were a no go, all flocking the newlyweds with well wishing and whatnot, and they were all old besides. Ma didn’t have much family to speak of, and none of them had made it out for the wedding. A few of Monroe’s relatives were in attendance, but they were all cooing over the baby (now two going on three, but he would always be the baby to Jenny) and she’d never been close to Monroe’s family anyhow. She knew some of Jenny’s friends, but despite the age difference being relatively minor, she’d never really got on with them. They were all prim and proper, more so than Junior but accepting of Junior’s quieter disposition and quick wit. Jenny’s riotous humor and unending noise had never been appreciated by them.

The only person who looked as out of place as Jenny felt was her Pa. He hung back on the outskirts of the crowd, not quite smiling, but the weathered lines of his face were softened. His shoulders hunched, trying to make himself look smaller and go unnoticed.

Jenny marched over immediately.

“Beautiful ceremony, huh, Pa?” she remarked.

Pa startled and turned to her, looking like a deer in headlights for a moment before he registered who she was. The tension drained from his frame, and he smiled down at her. “Right you are, Jenny. And your singing was lovely, too.”

Jenny felt her cheeks flush at the praise. Pa had never been shy about complimenting his girls, but it still felt like something precious coming from him. “Aw, Pa, you don’t haveta-“

“Naw, I won’t hear none of that. Sounded like an angel up there.” He glanced back to Junior, and his smile faded slightly, tinged once again with that sadness she’d spotted before. “Always said you girls were my angels.”

Jenny didn’t know what that look meant, but she wanted to get rid of it. Placing her hand on her pa’s arm, she said, “Kurt’s gonna make her real happy, y’know. They love each other.”

Pa nodded. “Yeah, I know,” he mumbled. Pa often mumbled when he spoke, like the words clammed up in his throat and had to roll over themselves and fight their way out.

Jenny continued. “I mean, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. He’s just another fella. I think the last one was about the same. Looked the same, too. But he’s alright if she likes him, I guess. That’s what matters.”

Her pa chuckled, and Jenny smiled with pride. Pa didn’t laugh easily, but she’d always been good at bringing it out of him. “Yeah, he’s a good ‘un. Nothing special, but no one’s good enough for our girl, huh?”

His grin was almost conspiratorial this time, and Jenny giggled. It was nice to talk to him this way, without Junior around, even if Junior was the topic of conversation.

“Plus he’s got money,” she added.

“Now money ain’t what matters,” Pa said, but he was still smiling at her. “Hard work matters.”

Jenny shrugged. “Well, money don’t hurt.”

Pa shook his head. “I suppose it don’t. I wouldn’t know.” That melancholy tone returned, but not as strong as before. “It’s hard to see this. Handing her away, it’s more than I imagined.” He looked down at her. “Can’t imagine doin’ that with you.”

Jenny looked down, a sick feeling in her stomach as she hid her face so he wouldn’t see the smile leaving it. She couldn’t say what she wanted to, which was that she doubted he’d ever have the chance. “Well, it’ll probably be a while yet,” she said instead. “Don’t have a man, and I got no plans to snag one right away.”

Her pa’s arms settled over her shoulder and squeezed her lightly. “Good.”

They stood there together for a long time.

-/-

It was mere months after the wedding that Jenny met Melinda Sands.

Melinda went by Mel. She’d moved to Riverton all the way from San Francisco, which might as well have been Mars for all Jenny knew about it, so her mom could care for Mel’s ailing grandmother. They lived in a big house in the nice part of town (if a town as small as Riverton could be said to have a nice part), but Mel was anything but nice. Instead of neat blouses and pants or skirts, she wore large plaids and ripped up loose jeans, tank tops with no bra, and overalls. She wore large, loud boots, but not practical work boots, black shiny leather ones with thick heels and studs on them. Her hair was long and tangled, and she’d sooner cut it all off than style it.

Jenny was entranced. She knew that her mother wouldn’t approve of Mel, but she didn’t care. Mel Sands was someone different, someone the podunk town of Riverton couldn’t understand, but something gave Jenny the feeling that she could.

-/-

After three months of friendship, Mel told Jenny she was queer. Or, not exactly.

“We don’t say ‘queer’,” Mel explained, clearly nervous but trying hard to hide it. “It’s pejorative and demeaning. We say gay, or lesbian for women. I personally prefer dyke.”

Jenny was reeling. In her confusion, all she could think to say was, “I, uh, I thought ‘dyke’ was also, uh, perjorative.”

“Pejorative,” Mel corrected. “And yeah, it used to be, but the lesbian community has reclaimed it. I like it a lot, personally. Taking back something people used to use to hurt and abuse us and declaring it proudly.” She shrugged, self-conscious. The emotion looked wrong on someone usually so confident. “I think it’s cool.”

Jenny knew Mel was waiting for a response, and she knew what her mother would say. This was something sinful, something evil. The preacher told them that God punished queers and fags.

She also knew that Mel was scared of her reaction, and that was the last thing she wanted.

Jenny reached out and grabbed Mel’s hand. “That is pretty cool,” she said softly.

Mel’s smile was the most beautiful thing Jenny ever saw.

Then Mel kissed her, and Jenny forgot how to breathe.

-/-

They only had one month before Ma found out.

They’d been careful, so careful. Mel only came over when Jenny’s ma and Monroe were both out. The baby had a sitter who took him to the park in the afternoon. Then Mel would come in through the back (so the neighbors wouldn’t see) and Jenny’d make them both a sandwich to bring up to her room. And then...

Well, Mel had quite the mouth on her, and Jenny gave as good as she got.

They were in the middle of enjoying each other’s mouths, shirts abandoned on the floor, hands roaming over torsos, when Jenny heard the stairs creaking. She pushed Mel away with a gasp.

“I didn’t hear the door open,” she whispered fearfully.

Mel understood. She immediately went to grab their shirts and shove them on, but it was too late. The door was opening.

“Jenny, I need you to—“ Ma froze in the doorway. The two girls stared up at her, caught in the act of redressing. Mel’s shirt was still half off, Jenny hadn’t even gotten her’s on. There was no denying what was happening.

Jenny couldn’t take her eyes off her ma’s face. She watched the realization occur, her ma’s mouth fall open is shock and horror. Jenny’s stomach dropped.

“Ma, I can explain,” she began, but Ma shook her head.

“No,” she whispered. “I can’t— no, not again.” She shook her head, almost violently, and her fear turned to anger. “I won’t have any queers under my roof!” she shouted.

Jenny winced. Tears welled up in her eyes. “Ma, please, I’m still—“

“NO!” Ma screamed. She stepped forward, pushing the door so it banged against the wall, and pointed out of the room. “Get out.”

Jenny felt the words hit her like a slap to the face, and reacted physically, rearing back. “What?”

“You heard me,” Ma said sharply. There was no wetness in her eyes, only fury. “I won’t harbor you and your sinful ways. I refuse.”

“But my— my things—“

“I bought all those clothes for my daughter, not some— some queer masquerading as my daughter. You’re not her,” Ma said. “I don’t know who you are. And I don’t want you in my house no more.”

Jenny pulled her shirt on in silence. Her tears fell hard and fast, but she didn’t make a sound. Mel grabbed her hand and Ma scoffed and looked away. Jenny saw that Mel was crying, too, but she looked more mad than upset.

“C’mon, Jen, let’s go,” she mumbled, putting her arm around Jenny’s shoulders and leading her out of the room.

“And good riddance,” Ma hissed after them, her words a final nail in the coffin. She slammed the door to the room that was no longer Jenny’s, and Jenny finally began to sob.

-/-

Where to go? Where could they turn now? Mel vetoed her own home since Jenny’s ma knew her ma, and she didn’t want to risk coming home to a scene like the one they’d just left. Junior and Kurt were out of town to celebrate Junior being pregnant, meaning their house was locked up with nobody home. None of their friends’ homes felt safe.

“We got nothing,” Mel whispered, holding Jenny close as they leaned against a car across the street from Jenny’s— from the house. “Nowhere to go. What do we do, baby?”

Jenny sniffled and wiped at her puffy eyes. She could hardly think. She wanted her Ma, but she didn’t, because her Ma hated her and hated what she was, what she had become. Who did she have left?

Suddenly, Jenny gasped.

“Mel,” she said, “you got a car, yeah?”

Mel nodded. “Yeah. Rusty old piece o’ junk, but it does the job. Why? You got an idea?”

“Yeah, I do,” Jenny replied. “Think we could make it out to my pa’s place?”

Mel smiled. It didn’t look like a smile. “All gassed up and ready when you are, hon.”

-/-

Pa’s trailer was small, but it would be shelter. That was, if he let them in.

Mel’s car sputtered to a stop on the dirt road. Jenny heaved a sigh of relief that her directions had been sound; she hadn’t been here in months.

The pair climbed out and slammed the door behind them. Jenny winced at the loud bang. It was late, and she didn’t want to wake up the whole park.

Fortunately, it appeared that only one person had heard. The lights in Pa’s trailer came on after a few seconds, and the door creaked open. Pa squinted out into the darkness.

“Jenny?” he asked, eyes widening in shock. “What are you doin’ way out here, darlin’?” He noticed Mel, and nodded at her, brow furrowed. “And with a friend? It’s late.”

Jenny smiles waveringly. “Hi to you too, Pa.” She stepped forward, hands shaking in her pockets. “We, uh... Well, this is my friend Mel, and we need a place to stay. Woulda gone to Junior’s but she and Kurt are away and I didn’t know where else to go, Ma told us to get out and I just—“ Jenny broke off, feeling a coming sob choking her from the inside out.

Mel stepped forward, placing a supportive hand on Jenny’s shoulder. “Please, Mr. Del Mar,” she said. “I know it’s an imposition, and you probably don’t have too much space, but even the floor would be better than what we got right now.”

Pa stared at them. Jenny could see him putting it together in his mind, fitting the puzzle pieces of Jenny’s tears and Mel’s arm around her shoulder and needing to be somewhere that wasn’t Ma’s into a picture that she desperately hoped wouldn’t lead to him driving them away. Jenny didn’t think she’d survive both parents shutting her out in one night.

Then the lines of Pa’s face softened. He smiled, the saddest smile she’d ever seen, more than the one he’d worn at Junior’s wedding, even. He stepped back from the door.

“Come on in, girls,” he said. “It’s cramped in here, but I’ve got a small couch, and some cushions and blankets. It ain’t much, but it’s warm.”

Jenny sagged in relief and let Mel support her, the pair of them staggering up the metal stairs and into the trailer. Mel maneuvered them past Pa, towards the clearly visible couch. Pa hadn’t lied, it was small, but it was better than nothing.

“Just until Junior gets back,” Jenny mumbled, unable to raise her voice. Her throat ached, the echo of her earlier tears combined with the effort of holding back more.

She valiantly avoided thinking that Junior’s reaction might be more similar to Ma’s than to Pa’s. Junior was Pa’s little girl, always. Hopefully that extended to more than mannerisms.

Pa nodded, having heard her quiet words. He shut the door. “As long as you need, Jenny.” He glanced over at the pair. “Mind if I lock up?”

Mel shook her head. “I’d prefer it, actually.”

Pa nodded and turned the lock, then turned to open up a bench that doubled as a chest and dig up some blankets. They looked a bit scratchy, woolly as they were, but they’d certainly not leave the girls cold.

Pa trudged over to deposit the goods, and Jenny noticed that his hat was on, despite the late hour. She wanted, absurdly, to laugh. Pa had to have been at least halfway to bed when he heard the car door slam, yet he still put his hat on before answering the door. It was so characteristic of him, and Jenny let out a wheezy chuckle.

Pa turned to her, concern writ large on his normally inexpressive face. “You all right, Jenny?”

Jenny nodded yes, shook her head no, then shrugged. She felt Mel’s arm around her like a brand as she looked at her manly, macho, traditional father. He had to know what this all meant, what Jenny and Mel were, and yet— and yet he was—

“I love you, Papa,” Jenny whispered.

Pa understood what she wasn’t saying. His eyes flicked to Mel before settling on Jenny once more. The corner of his mouth turned up.

“I love you too, baby girl,” he replied, and Jenny closed her eyes as the tears slipped free once more.

-/-

It took Mel and Jenny a long time to fall asleep. Pa took off his hat and was out like a light, and Jenny was amused to discover that he snuffled and snorted in his sleep just like the horses he so adored, but it didn’t make for a restful environment.

Curled up on the couch under no fewer than three itchy blankets, Jenny whispered, “He has to know. Don’t he?”

Mel’s hand rubbed Jenny’s arm in slow, comforting strokes. “It doesn’t matter, baby. He’s letting us stay for now. We’re safe.”

Jenny huffed. “I’d love to think that, Mel, I really would, but I can’t help but be afraid. You saw how— how Ma...” Jenny blinked frantically, beating the moisture from her eyes. She’d done enough crying today for a lifetime. “It can’t be this easy. Being... being this way is never this easy, is it? And it being like this... it scares me.”

Mel pulled Jenny close, pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, and held her there. “Life will always be hard, Jen,” she said against Jenny’s skin. “‘Specially for people like us. But that doesn’t mean we won’t get a few blessings once in a while.”

Jenny smiled and allowed herself to be cuddled, not noticing as she slipped into slumber that her Pa’s snoring had ceased minutes before.

-/-

In the morning, the girls yawned and blinked awake to Pa making coffee.

“Rise and shine, girls,” Pa said. He opened a tiny cabinet and retrieved three cups, none of them matching, and poured hot black liquid into each one. “We got sugar but I ran out of cream day before yesterday.”

“It’s okay, I take it black,” Mel croaked, pushing her tangled hair out of her eyes.

Jenny groaned. “That’s disgusting, Mel.”

Pa chuckled. “On the contrary, that’s a time honored cowboy tradition.” He handed Mel the only mug with an approving nod. “A girl after my own heart,” he said, a glint in his eye that Jenny found familiar but couldn’t quite place.

Mel quirked an eyebrow and took a sip of the brew, only to wince at the heat and frantically blow on the liquid, making Jenny laugh. Pa joined in, and Mel glared at the both of them.

“Sorry, shoulda warned ya,” he said, but he didn’t seem too remorseful.

Jenny couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen her pa joking around, or if she’d ever seen it. Pa was a serious man, focused on his work above all else. Jenny never imagined he could have a mischievous side.

All too soon, that mischief vanished from Pa’s face, replaced once more by something mournful.

“I should tell you girls something,” he said quietly.

Mel straightened in her seat, fingers tightening around her mug. Jenny could see her own fears reflected on Mel’s face. Was this it? The moment they’d both been dreading?

Pa sat down heavily and stared down at his hands, twisting in his lap. He sighed.

“Years ago, I had a... friend.”

Jenny frowned, exchanging a confused glance with Mel. This wasn’t what they were expecting.

Pa continued. “He and I met after your mother and I had gotten engaged, but before we were married. I needed money, Alma and I were neither of us well off, so I went up into the mountains to find work. There was a man— Joe Aguirre, right piece of work— who needed boys to herd his sheep up on Brokeback Mountain. I was nineteen. So was...”

Pa trailed off. There it was again, that far off look. Jenny had seen it before, but she was only now beginning to realize what it meant.

“So was Jack.”

Pa took a deep breath.

“Jack Twist never shut his mouth. You can probably imagine how that went with me. I was even quieter then than I am now. He told me his life story, how he was a rodeo, all about his family, all that. I kept my mouth pretty much shut.

“Then we went up on Brokeback. It was just us, and the horses and mules, and the dogs, and thousands of goddamn sheep. We were the only people for miles; the only human contact we could get was with each other.

“So we talked. We got close. He was a good fella, made me laugh. After a week or so, I felt closer to him than I had to anyone else I’d ever met.”

Pa looked up. He met my gaze, and suddenly, Jenny understood.

“You and him...” she whispered.

Pa nodded. “Jack and me.”

Mel gasped.

“You’re...” I began, then stalled.

“I don’t know how to say what I am,” Pa said. “I never shoulda married Alma, though: I’m grateful for you girls, but I knew even then that I’d never want her the way I... the way I wanted Jack.”

And there it was. Out in the open. It clearly took a lot for Pa to say it. His hands were shaking, he was pale and breathing heavily, and the tension in his shoulders looked ready to snap.

Jenny couldn’t help it. “You’re like us,” she said. “You loved someone who...”

She’d never said it aloud, and she could feel Mel’s shocked gaze on her, but now wasn’t the time to discuss her own feelings with Mel. She was focused on her father, who was staring back at her with wide, frightened eyes.

“You loved him,” she continued.

Pa covered his eyes with a shaking hand. “I never said it, Jenny,” he whispered. “I never once said it, but I think he knew. God, I hope he knew.”

“What happened?” Mel asked softly.

Pa’s hand dropped to his lap. “He died,” he said simply. He was crying, making no effort to hide it. “A few years back. We were— we weren’t together, exactly. I left Brokeback and married Alma, he went down to Texas and married a woman there. We each had kids, and lives, and then... he sent me a postcard, four years after Brokeback. And we saw each other again.

“What Jack and I had... it consumed us. When we were together, he was all I could think about. I think the rarity of it, the fact that he only came up every few months, made it that much stronger. We needed each other. And I was scared of it.

“When Alma and I split— she knew about it, I found out later that she had known for a long time— Jack came up. You met him for a moment, Jenny. He drove all the way up from Texas to see me. He was smilin’ so wide. He had this idea, see, that we could find a nice ranch, fix it up proper, and live on it. Together. He’d leave his wife and son and we’d finally be together. And I said no. I had responsibilities, to my girls, I told him. I turned him away, and he went. Never saw him so broken down as I did that day.”

Pa paused. His crying hadn’t ceased, but his words were clear and cut Jenny to the core. All this time— her whole life— Pa had been keeping this secret. He’d loved a man for longer than Jenny had been alive.

Jenny stood up, walked to her father, and hugged him tight. She could feel her own tears welling up as she squeezed him, as his arms came up to hold her and rub her back.

“I love you so much, Papa,” she sobbed. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I wish...” She couldn’t finish, letting the hiccuping cries overtake her words.

“I know, little one,” Pa replied, voice warbling and wet. “I wish too. And I love you more than you can imagine.”

Mel coughed lightly, and Jenny leaned back. While she wiped her eyes and tried to regain her composure, Mel asked, “You said he... passed.”

Pa nodded. “What I was always afraid of was people findin’ out and comin’ after us. When I was a boy, I saw the... results... of an attack. It was...” He swallowed throatily. “Gruesome, to say the least. But that wasn’t what killed him. It was an accident. He was changin’ a tire, and it blew in his face. He bled out.” Pa chuckled. “All that time I spent livin’ in fear, and in the end it was just chance.”

Pa looked Mel and Jenny square in the eye. “Don’t give up on this, girls,” he said sternly. “If this is what you want, you can be happy together. The world is dangerous for us, moreso than for others, but that don’t mean it ain’t dangerous in general. You never know what the next day will bring. Live now, live carefully, but do it with pride. Don’t hide from it. Don’t be afraid of who you are. Because who you are...” Pa smiled, wide and sad and utterly, stunningly beautiful. “Who you are is absolutely perfect.”

Jenny gripped Mel’s hand and nodded.

“Thanks, Mr. Del Mar,” Mel said, blinking back tears.

Jenny reached out and grabbed Pa’s hand, too.

“Yeah. Thanks, Pa.”


End file.
